It is 11:20 in the morning and I am struggling to get out of bed. Rolling over and over in my head is the fact that love hurts. I know why. I should have figured this out years ago. In reality, I think I did, and that is why I did not allow myself to love too deeply.
I remember when my boys were born. They were seven weeks premature and in NICU, while I lay in my hospital bed down the white sterile hall. My family had gone home and I was left alone; my mind overcome with the waves of emotion. No one had prepared me for this fierce, painful love. Nor had I been prepared for the fear that went with it. The worry over my babies’ health caused fear. That fear was accompanied by panic in knowing I would have these strong, painfully piercing emotions the rest of my life. There was no turning back.
I had learned to put up walls years earlier; walls to make sure no one got close enough to hurt my heart. It was easier that way. Now these two little babies broke down that wall.
For years these fierce emotions were reserved for family.
I love now. At times it hurts and I wonder if it is worth it.
My thoughts come back to God. He loved so much that He sent his only Son to earth. We rejected, tortured and killed Him. How God’s parent heart had to be tearing apart: slowly tortured with every physical stab that touched His Son. How did God withstand that pain? How could He hold back His protective power to let us do that to His loved one?
How could Jesus withstand all He went through? He asked to be released but chose obedience instead. He chose to sacrifice his heart and body and I think that the nails that pierced His heart were more painful than those in His hands and feet. It was because He loved us so much.
I realize love is a sacrifice because in loving, we open our hearts to hurt.
Sacrifice involves giving of ourselves far beyond our comfort zone or even what we feel we are able to give. I have often wondered if something can be called a sacrifice if it does not hurt. Love is an example of that. For, sacrificial love involves putting others before ourselves and accepting the hurt that comes along with the joy. Maybe love is the greatest sacrifice because it requires removing all the protection around our hearts.
If God can love me that much, then I know that I can love in the comparably minute way that I do. He didn’t protect His heart so I will choose not to protect mine.
I come to the conclusion that love is worth it. The joy that love brings far outweighs the heartache and pain that accompanies it.
I think I am choosing to stop running from intimacy.