I’m feeling kind of dead inside. That is due to a specific event that has occurred in my life: an ongoing thing that came to a head this week. I was not expecting the ‘rejection’ to leave me so sad, unmotivated and emotionless. There is no desire to do anything, no excitement in activity. I just want to be home alone.
It made me think about the verse that says that as Christians we are to be dead to sin and alive in Christ. If my life truly is alive in God, then all my energy and desire should be for godly things and motived out of love for God and others.
And, if I find my life in God then I should feel dead to sin. By that, I mean that sin should have no hold over me. The desires to gossip and dwell on sinful thoughts: these should be as dead to me. They should hold no power over me. In reality, they should be as dead, forgotten, of no impact.
As I draw closer to God, many of these sins are as dead to me but we all have weakness that Satan knows he can prey on. He knows what strings to pull. He knows that I put myself out there, risked being rejected and hurt, and ultimately was turned down. Satan knows he can put thoughts into my head of unworthiness and bitterness and he is raising to life some feelings that have been buried repeatedly. He also knew I would find the shovel and begin digging them up, even though I thought I was stronger.
So, today, I am praying Romans 6:11-14, “May I count myself dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Help me not to let sin reign in my body so that I will obey its evil desires. Please let me not offer any part of myself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather may I offer myself to God, as one who has been brought from death to life: May I offer every part of myself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be my master, because I am not under law but under grace.”
Today, my goal is to dig the hole a little deeper and bury the hurt and sin once again. It makes me realize, that until the day when Christ returns, we will not be completely dead to sin. It is a process, as we strive daily to die to sin. And, in that process, I praise God for my life through Christ Jesus.