The Madness of Hope

Walls and Boundaries

I received an email today asking me to teach a single mom’s class on ‘Dating and Boundaries’. I will speak on almost any subject. But, give me a break! “Dating and Boundaries”? That is one area of my life I did not do well.

I dated a guy once. He was all I ever wanted in a husband; sold out for God, desiring to be a pastor, already pasturing a church on weekends while we were in Bible College. While in college my heart was all about serving God and we were soul mates. I loved him and I loved the idea of being his wife and joining him in ministry.

So what happened? I did not know how to express my feelings. I never told him how I felt. I have always had a fear of rejection so it is not a surprise, that I guarded my heart against that possibility. I never gave him the encouragement to really pursue me although all our friends ‘knew’ we would get married.

It’s funny. I always seemed to have a boyfriend. I needed guys around me. But I could not commit to any of them because they were not headed in the direction I wanted for my life…until this one…and he does not know to this day how much I loved him.

While many of my friends were scaring guys away by being too anxious to marry, I was scaring them away by being too aloof. Yet inside I was not cold, I longed for love yet did not know how to receive it.

When I met Mark, the same story would have unraveled had he not been so open about his feelings. Maybe he loved me so much he looked past my communication failures. Even after twenty four years of marriage he will tell you that I rarely speak of my emotions, am not very affectionate and do not tell him often enough how I feel.

It’s that ‘wall’ around my heart. It is there with girlfriends too. The first friend that ever recognized that wall was my friend Nancy, in Costa Rica. I still remember the day she asked, “Shanda, how come you will never let anyone inside?” I was not aware of it until then and spent many hours analyzing that remark and my relationships. I think it goes back to being a Third Culture Kid; always moving and therefore saying goodbye. It became easier not to let anyone get too close because it hurt to say goodbye. In fact, in Costa Rica, I did not even go to my own ‘despedida’. I set boundaries and stuck to them. No one got close enough to hurt.

Lately I have tried to break down those walls and am finally succeeding. I opened my heart to more friends the last couple years than I did the rest of my life altogether. The wall may still be there, but it has huge cracks in it. The boundaries are broken. It is better this way. I thought I only needed God and family but am realizing that I need friends and love that closeness they bring. I will have to say goodbye to them some day but it is worth the risk of hurt to know the love of girlfriends.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

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