The Madness of Hope + [TIME]

What My Heart Longs For / OYHT Link

I miss it. How can you long for a time when a group of people sat for two weeks in a house, waiting on someone to die?
I wasn’t close to Adrianna like the others were. They were family and long time, intimate friends. I was just a friend chosen by Adrianna’s mother to be a part of the house.
I don’t know why she chose me. Once I was told that I brought a calming presence. Later I was introduced to visiting family as the ‘Pastor’s Wife’ on duty. It is still a bit of a mystery how I came to be.
So, I don’t understand why I miss that. Can you mourn something you only had for two weeks ?
All I know is that I withdrew from life for a time and we all lived in a world that was fleeting. Now, life goes on. I cannot seem to bring my head and thoughts back into focus.
It was like summer camp or Bible College: a short span of time where new friendships are made and one feels so close to God. Then it is over. You sign yearbooks and take phone numbers. You befriend each other on Facebook. You vow to keep that closeness forever.
But life carries on where you left it. Things are never the same.
One is left longing for a presence that, in reality, only God can feel. So I am sitting here with the realization that I am not mourning TheFamily. Rather I am mourning that closeness with God and feel a desperateness to get it back.
My head has realized what my heart is missing. I'm missing God!
As the deer pants for streams of water, So my soul pants for you, O God My soul thirsts for God, for the living God When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night While men say to me all day long “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul How I used to go with the multitude Leading the procession to the house of God With shouts of joy and thanksgiving Among the festive throng Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in god, For I will yet praise Him, My Savior and my God
Psalm 42:1-5

Other Posts on Adrianna:
When Enough Is Enough
Going Home
The First Week of Hospice
The Family
Dancing With Jesus